If you happened to catch SNL this past Saturday (which would be no one on this planet) you might have seen the hilarious rap about Narnia. SNL hasnt had anything funny since Jimmy Fallon so they brought out something totally random and from the 42nd field. It was very well done and I must say the rap was better than most of the junk out there. They could even charge double of what we are used to, one whole dollah.
So anyways, I got around to seeing the movie. Now on to my glowing review…
Absolute retardation. All the cultural, sociological, religious, historical, and war issues dont even bloody matter. The movie is downright atrocious and dull. The characters have no redeeming qualities; they just run around screaming pathetically at horribly rendered CG animals. The actors themselves give uneven performances, especially the witch. She is suppose to be the villain, a true Satan incarnate, we need to see some wrath. Instead she prances around in ugly dresses with a random expression on her face. The children are even worst. I usually find it fun to watch child actors exuding naiveness, whimsicality, and youth but got nothing from these four. Utterly bland performances accompanied by cliché bickering, predictability, and forced acts of redemption. Way to go on raising the bar after LotR. Even with an excruciatingslow pace and almost two and a half hours, we got squat for character development. Characters should grow on you, not get to the point of irritation where youd wish a minotaur would just stomp on their face with his hoofs.
Issues that dont matter but are fun to talk about anyways.
“What is up with Mr. Tumnus and Lucy?”
With all the stink people are screaming about I thought I was going to see some 40 year old weirdo perving out on a 10 year old girl funny. Instead I get a goat creature that looks like hes in his 20s, fascinated by his first human encounter. Im sure if you saw a unicorn or a mermaid, you would act the exact same way. WTF people.Do you get a vibe when a cat starts rubbing against you?
“The Lion King, Aslan, is Jesus.”
Just because the lion died and came back to life doesnt make him Jesus. Anyone ever been to a hospital lately? Also I dont remember Jesus charging at a witch and biting her head off, but I couldve read Gospel wrong. I mean the first book was written some 40 years after Jesus death, Im sure if these guyswere actually first hand witnesses of Jesus, and not just the Brothers Grimm, they would have seen Jesus maul and bite off heads of girls.
“Jesus would have hated this movie.”
It has less blood than the Passion of the Christ, so yes, Jesus would have hated this movie.
“This book is misogynistic.”
Hello? What book are you reading? The witch went straight into combat and scalped half the battlefield herself. Unless shes a tranny, that might explain the bad dresses and the dreads. Are you going to cry about womens suffrage too?
“The witch represents the Nazis, Aslan represents England and the griffins that drop the rocks on the witches army represent Americans showing up to help in WWII.”
I dont know what to comment on this thought except they were chimeras, not griffins.
“Movie would not have sucked if there was some nudity/Susan had gotten naked.”
You must be blind because i didn’t see many of the animals wearing any clothes. Some of them found it proper to wear battle armor, but other than that, they were all running around in birthday suits. As for Susan, she’s not hot at all. Even at 15 she is as cold as the arctic tundras they are running through.
“Narnia is better than Harry Potter / is better than Narnia”
Which ever camp you belong to, your a witch and should be burned at the stake!
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